Too much change too quickly

I’m at Day 18 and coming to the end of my first 3 weekly (21 day) chemo cycle. From about Day 10 onwards I noticed a slight improvement physically that became very noticeable by about Day 12. From then on things got better every day, physically at least, but around Day 15 I started to feel very angry and down as though a black cloud had descended and knew I was withdrawing into myself but just couldn’t shake off the feeling. It lasted a couple of days. I don’t quite know what I was angry at nor why I was feeling so down. There could be a few things that caused it, possibly a deepening understanding of my situation or maybe the various drugs swirling through my bloodstream, I don’t know. It’s not something that I ever experienced pre-cancer but who’s to say it wouldn’t have happened anyway? My Macmillan nurse reckons I’m having trouble letting go of the old me, and maybe she’s right, after all it wasn’t that long ago that I was the old me. Change is all well and good, that’s what life is, but some change happens too fast to be easily absorbed so there’s bound to be some turbulence.

My latest change is the promised hair loss, although I think “threatened” would be more apt. I’m not yet totally bald on my head but whether washing my hair, gently drying it or having a bit of a scratch the stuff just comes out. If it carries on like it is, I reckon it’ll all be gone within a few days. If it’s not, then the second lot of chemo later this week should finish it off. Like I’ve said before, going bald over a period of years is something you can get used to but losing your hair in a few weeks takes a lot of getting used to. 

With all these changes there’s a danger that life can become unmanageable and for some people that’s exactly what happens. I reckon I’ve got no choice but to manage, to cope, to adapt, and that brings us back to the inevitable turbulence. Too much change too quickly is not easy so I’ve had to try to find coping mechanisms. One that helps me is to write about all the crap that’s happening, hence this blog. I’ve done a lot of writing in the last three weeks but my preferred coping mechanism is laying on a beach and I haven’t yet entirely given up on that idea for this summer, although I’ve got to be careful of infections due to my immune system not functioning. I called my travel insurance company yesterday to see what I was still covered for. To my amazement they said everything, despite the chemo. It really would be a shame to waste it!!

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